The Hardest Part of Healing

The journey of healing is very, very difficult. It’s been six years since I got my generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis, shortly after getting out of the hospital when I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. Ever since then, I’ve been learning so much about myself and connecting the dots on what was really going on when I was growing up. It’s been an uphill battle, and with it has come some difficult realizations.

Healing, of course, comes with a lot of positives. I’m finally getting to know who I really am, following my passions, and becoming more comfortable with myself. It wasn’t easy, and it still isn’t, but I’m far enough long now to know that it’s worth it.

To me, one of the hardest parts of this journey has been having to let go of people who never understood me, and don’t show any signs of wanting to understand. I have written on here before about the urge I’ve had to explain to those people why I was the way I was growing up, to prove that there was a “real” reason. I understand that this is unhealthy, but there’s something inside of me that desperately wants their approval. Growing up and moving forward in this journey means acknowledging that I may never get that approval. That doesn’t mean that it’s easy to come to terms with, however.

My anxiety went undiagnosed for over half of my life, and because of that I internalized a lot of harmful ideas about myself. I truly believed that there was something wrong with me. I thought that there were things about me that were wrong, and the most frustrating thing was that I knew I couldn’t change about myself. I couldn’t help the fact that I was “too” sensitive, or that I cried a lot, or that I got nervous in social situations. I can’t explain how hard it is to be in a situation where people are telling me to stop doing things that I wasn’t doing on purpose. I was unable to communicate my feelings, how could I explain that to these people?

To me, the hardest part of healing is coming to the realization that there was never anything wrong with me, even though it feels like some of these people still believe it to this day. Even though I am now more comfortable with myself and more outgoing than I’ve ever been, it still feels like I have something to prove. My inner child wants these people to see how much I’ve grown and changed, she wants them to see how much work I’ve put into myself to become my true self. However, I know that it’s no use. Those people wouldn’t take it well—or at least that’s my fear. I’m worried that I would be painted as dramatic or too sensitive, and those words really hit deep for me.

If you are also going through your healing journey and dealing with these feelings, I see you, and I’m rooting for you, and you’re doing great. I promise that your hard work is going to pay off, you just have to keep going.

Stay safe and take care of yourselves.

—Abbie