What do *I* Want?
As someone who fits the description of a people-pleaser to a T, it's been hard to unlearn those habits.
Growing up, I felt like it was my responsibility to be the “good” kid–don’t make too much noise, smile and nod. It worked, almost every adult I came in contact with praised me for being so mature, and old soul. I took these compliments to heart, especially because the reaction I got when I was upset was drastically different.
I was a highly sensitive, anxious kid. I had terrible separation anxiety when I was away from my mom, for one thing. I felt like I was labelled “dramatic” and “attention-seeking” very early on.
I tried to overcompensate on that last one by doing what I could to blend in. Who's the quiet kid reading in the corner? That’s Abbie, you won’t hear much from her. Who’s the kid that only speaks when spoken to, and participates just enough in class? That’s Abbie, she could probably participate more.
As I’ve gotten older and started figuring out who I really am, I’ve felt some awkwardness from the people I grew up around. I felt like they wanted me to be the same quiet, shy kid I always was. Maybe I was imagining it, maybe they didn’t even notice or care. Regardless, something inside me was frustrated that the same people who used to try and force me out of my shell and be more outgoing were treating me differently now that I had done it on my own.
I finally came out of my comfort zone at my own pace. I never did well when people tried to force me to do things like meeting other kids or walking into a group of people. Sure, I might have done it slowly, but I still did it. Just because it took me years to become comfortable with things like that, and now I barely blink. I still like sticking to some pretty strict routines with a lot of things, but the fact that I’m actively looking for things to do outside of my box? Unheard of!
The biggest example I have of listening to my own voice happened late last year. I decided, after a lot of back and forth and wishing that someone would make the decision for me, that I would not continue pursuing my degree. It was very difficult. Even though I was never exposed to a ton of pressure to get a degree from my parents, the cultural forces were still very strong. I finally sent the email to my professor and dropped my classes for the next semester. It was done, and I haven’t regretted it once. I’m incredibly proud of myself for making that leap, and I want to be more consistent in giving myself that credit.
If you’re thinking about making a big decision, or just trying to listen to your inner voice, know that I’m rooting for you. It’s not easy, but I promise it will pay off in the end.
Don’t forget to give yourself credit, too!
—Abbie
