Changes In Myself

Something interesting that has happened during my mental health journey is the realization that I have changed dramatically in a pretty short amount of time. A lot of work has gone into these changes, of course, but looking back it can feel pretty sudden.

Every time my therapist asks me about the last time I had a panic attack was, I think for a moment before realizing that it has been over three years since the last time. I’ve been in therapy for nearly the same amount of time, same for being on my anxiety medication, and the progress I’ve made still amazes me.

I am able to drive or ride in a car for long periods of time without feeling panic rising in my chest or having to focus on my breathing because I was convinced that if I didn’t I would pass out. Not only can I hold a conversation, but I can sing along to songs on my playlist—I can actually enjoy driving on a sunny day. I don’t need to use my shortcuts to get to different places around town, even though my brain still reminds me of my options when I pull up to a stoplight.

Something I have always struggled with is giving myself credit. Logically I understand that my anxiety is not cured and that progress is not linear. I still find myself getting frustrated when I pull up to an intersection and feel tightness in my chest. I still find myself asking why I can’t do something that seems so simple. In these moments I have to stop and remind myself that it’s okay to struggle and that one bad day does not define me.

Another area of my life that I’ve noticed a change in is how I react to new experiences. I struggle with change, as many people with anxiety do. Lately I’ve been looking for a new job, and I have been surprised at how willing I am to jump into a new experience. When I applied for my current job back in 2020, I was struggling with self-sabotage and general anxiety about change. I wanted to back out, to quit after my second day because I didn’t know if I could handle a new job and school at the same time. Spoiler alert: I did, and now I’m ready to try something new. I couldn’t imagine feeling this way back then.

May is mental health awareness month, and I want to take this time to thank all of you for coming with me on this journey. It’s been incredible to share my story and experiences with all of you, and I will forever be grateful to have you here.

I hope you take some time this month to look back on how you have grown and progressed over the course of your mental health journey. I hope you remember that progress isn’t linear, and that as long as you are doing your best, you’re doing great.

Thanks again for being here. I really appreciate it.

—Abbie