What Would I Tell Myself Right After My Diabetes Diagnosis?

If I could go back in time, I would go back to the day I came home from the hospital. 

Ten days after I was hospitalized with diabetic ketoacidosis, I was forced to face what had just happened to me. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, it nearly killed me. It affected the nerves in my arms, inflaming them to the point where I could hardly move my right arm and my left was practically useless.

If I could go back in time, I would want to talk to my past self.

My instinct is to tell her that she will get through this, that she'll be okay–to remind her of her support system, that they will be there beside her through it all.

If I could go back in time, I wouldn't say any of that to my past self.

Even though I know it's all true, I also know that those words are, in fact, just words. I know how afraid she is, how she won't know if she'll be able to push through. I know how many times she will break down in the coming months due to the stress and change she's going through.

If I could go back in time, I wouldn't tell her everything.

I know that she will want me to. She'll beg me to tell her the exact date that she will have full use of her arms again. She'll demand to know when she'll have diabetes under control–I’m not sure if I would be honest with her and say it's not that simple. I'm sure she'll also want me to tell her how my anxiety is.

If I could go back in time, I would tell her that I remember how she's feeling–a lot, I would say, because we're both still learning how to put things like that into words.

If I could go back in time, I would tell her not to run from those feelings, no matter how scary that seems.

If I could go back in time, I would be honest with myself.

It's going to be hard, I would say. I wouldn't want to get too cheesy, but I would feel the need to say something about how it's all worth it–because, well, it is.

If I could go back in time, I would hold space for her and her complicated feelings.

If I could go back in time, I would let her cry and scream and be angry and scared and overwhelmed.

If I could go back in time, I would cry and scream and be angry and scared and overwhelmed with her.

If I could go back in time, I think both of us would heal–a little bit, anyway.