A New Phase

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how I’m coping with cutting ties with some family member in stages, or phases. It started as something similar to relief, but I don’t know if I would have called it that at the time. It felt like a weight had been lifted off me, but there was still a profound sense of guilt—was I a bad person? Should I have just let things go on as they were? After a lot of therapy and time, I was able to move on from this.

The next phase was anger. What had I ever done to them? Why did they treat me like that? I was a child! This phase was accompanied by the desire to talk (or, more realistically, text or message) with these people and outline exactly how they had hurt me, finally getting years and years of feelings off my chest and out of my head. I never really did this, I was too anxious and nervous to open any cans of worms with these people. Then, one fateful day a couple years ago, one of them messaged me on Facebook out of the blue.

They apologized for everything that had happened and said that they wanted to try and salvage a relationship with me. My knee-jerk, people-pleaser reaction was to say yes, to make them feel better. I did not give in to this impulse. I explained how all of those events had affected me and told them that I could not put myself into a situation where history could repeat itself. I assured them we could remain friends on social media, but that was where I drew the line.

I was so proud of myself for setting a boundary, and I still am for maintaining it.

I think this new phase I’m discovering is best described as grief. I’m thinking about how long I gave some of these people the benefit of the doubt, how long I wanted to believe they would be there for me, and then coming to the realization that I was wrong. This also starts the phases over again. Maybe it’s a good thing that I know this now (relief), but I can’t shake the grudge I hold against them for stringing me along (anger).

I come from a small family, and I’ve always wanted to have a close-knit, inseparable one. A lot of my friends growing up came from families like this—they would visit them often and come back with funny stories and pictures. I would spend family events trying to get the ones my age to do something with me, and only come away with a group picture. As a kid, I believed what we had wasn’t perfect, but it was good for us. Unlearning that has been a whole other therapy session, believe me.

If you’re thinking about going no contact with a family member (or multiple members), I would suggest talking through your feelings with a therapist and getting it all out. If you can’t, or don’t want to, do that, I recommend journaling—or any safe way you prefer to organize your thoughts and feelings. I don’t know your situation, but I support your decision and I want you to remember that you’re not alone. There are tons and tons of people online who talk about going no contact, and it’s validating to hear their stories.

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted here, and I’m sorry about that. A lot has been happening, and my inspiration has taken a hit as a result. I hope you’re all doing well.

Stay safe, and know you’re not alone.

—Abbie