Kicking Myself

For most of my life, I've had a terrible habit of putting myself down.

The worst of it was when I was around twelve years old. I don't know where it came from, but suddenly I was finding different ways to be absolutely horrible to myself. If I got into an argument with someone and realized they were right, I would immediately back down and call myself stupid, which almost always made the other person incredibly confused. I remember one of my longest friends saying I didn't say that! after a particularly heated discussion.

Looking back, I don't know where that came from. No one in my life spoke to me that way, so why did I? Knowing what I know now about my mental health at that time (spoiler: it was not good), it had to have come from some kind of thought pattern or trigger. If I felt someone was angry or upset with me, it would make me feel horrible - was I trying to cut out the middle man and do it for them? Even if the situation didn't call for that?

I'm currently reading a book called Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? by Dr. Julie Smith. Dr. Smith goes through several tools she teaches people in therapy sessions to deal with low mood and more. In one of the early chapters, she talks about “thought biases” - or, as my first therapist called them, thought distortions. Dr. Smith goes on to talk about how these thought biases can make your bad mood worse and push you further into a dark place. After detailing the different thought biases and how to combat them, she writes a section called “Don't kick yourself when you're down”, in which she says we can use similar coping skills as fighting thought biases to combat negative thoughts.

I am notorious for letting small things ruin my mood. I forgot to do something and my boss seemed the smallest bit disappointed? I must be bad at my job. I dropped something, made a mess, and cleaned it up only to drop something else immediately after? Well, time to pack it in for the day. This is a great example of black-and-white or all-or-nothing thinking with a dash of “should” thinking and perfectionism. I should have remembered to do that. I should know better than that by now. These thoughts can really ruin your whole day if you don't have the tools to change the narrative.

I appreciate Dr. Smith saying that combatting these thoughts is more complicated than simply saying just think positive or don't be so hard on yourself, which is was most self-help books would tell you. But fighting negative thoughts is really hard, especially if you've never been given the tools to do it effectively, or even realized it was a real problem in your life.

I wish I had all the answers and could take away all negative thoughts and thought patterns we all face. Heck, if I could just take away mine, that would be incredible. Unfortunately, like almost everything revolving around mental health, it's just not that simple. I highly recommend reading Dr. Smith’s book and going to therapy - if you're able - to learn the tools that can work best for you. For me, journaling was a huge help in this regard. When I first learned about this stuff in high school, I would sit down after I got home from school and write out every thought pattern I had throughout the day and why it wasn't true or helpful for me. As someone who spent a long time without the language to understand how I was feeling, this was a great step in the right direction.

If you're struggling with negative thoughts or thought biases/patterns, please think about reaching out to a trusted friend or loved one, or a professional who can help you work through them.

Thanks for taking the time to read this - it feels good to be back!

–Abbie