If You Love Me

On Lizzo's most recent album, there's a song called “If You Love Me”, and it's a beautiful ballad about asking someone to see her as everything that she is, insecurity, mental health, all of it. I listened to this song for the first time the other day and it really resonated with me.

I've written on here before about how I was a highly sensitive, very emotional kid thanks at least in part to my undiagnosed anxiety. Part of my mental health journey has been unlearning all of the harmful ideas I was given about what it meant that I was so emotional, so shy. I am more confident now than I've ever been in my life, and it's been quite the struggle to get to this point, but that doesn't mean that little girl was bad or wrong. It doesn't mean that her experiences and feelings didn't matter. In fact, they still inform the person I am today.

This song also put words to what I desperately needed when I was that shy, anxious little girl. I needed people to understand that I was more than my sensitivity, my emotions. I still need people to tell me that it's okay to cry or be upset about something. I still need people to remind me that I don't need to apologize for crying. I need to be reminded that those people love me for who I am. Not in spite of my emotional nature, but regardless.

I am more than this part of my personality, but it is also a vital part of it. It makes me compassionate and empathetic.

I know I said I'm much more confident now than I've ever been, but that doesn't mean that I don't still doubt myself. That doesn't mean that I don't apologize for my tears or for losing my temper about something. Most of the time I still immediately think that I went too far when I get angry, which then makes the people I ask laugh when they assure me that they couldn't even tell I was upset.

Emotions are weird.

Another part of this whole process for me has been learning to set boundaries. I've been trying to identify what is and isn't worth a reaction from me, and that's been a good change as well. It's still a work in progress though, I am by no means perfect at it yet. I still find myself taking the bait of someone I work with who is just trying to get that reaction out of me. As much as I want to give those people a piece of my mind, I have to ask: is it worth it?

It probably goes without saying that I don't exactly want people like that in my life, but there is something to be said about the people who encourage me to set boundaries and remind me to enforce them. That's a part of me that needs love, too.

I've been lucky enough to find people who love me for who I am, messy emotions and poor boundaries and all. I hope you find those people, too. I promise they're out there, even if you can't see them. And, if someone rejects a certain part of you, it's up to you to decide if you want to continue a relationship with them.

If you love me, you love all of me

Or none of me at all

Take care of yourself. Every single part of it.

–Abbie