Healing My Inner Child

I think a lot about my inner child. By that I mean I think a lot about myself when I was growing up, and things I wish I had known about myself. I think of the shy little girl who cried at things other people thought of as small or not a big deal, who was so afraid to try new foods or go outside of her comfort zone but had no idea why–no way to explain to adults that there was something in her that stopped her from trying anything new.

We don't talk enough about mental health today, but when I was growing up it was even less common. Mentally ill was much more widely used as an insult, or an explanation for some horrific event. It wasn't something anyone wanted to be associated with.

I know things aren't that much better now, but at least we're beginning to normalize talking about it.

I was labeled pretty much everything. Sensitive, cry-baby, picky eater, shy, too quiet. Name a synonym for any of those, and I was probably called it.

Looking back, I don't know how anyone could see how I behaved and not be concerned about me. An eleven-year-old having multiple breakdowns in the school office in a month, not being able to sit in a classroom because she’ll just keep crying is not typical behavior. That same kid refusing to eat anything besides a few safe foods is not typical.

I often think about how different my life would be if I had been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder when I was ten. If I had started therapy back then, started working through my issues with food, gotten on medication. Who would I be? What would I be doing right now? Would I be studying something different in school? Would I have different friends, a completely different job?

I'll obviously never know the answers to these questions, as badly as I want to. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. But my heart breaks when I think of my little self, suffering without even knowing it. I wish I could go back in time and tell her everything will be okay, that she’s doing great, and that she isn't crazy or weird or too sensitive.

I'd tell her that her sensitivity, her heart, is one of her strengths. I'd tell her to never lose that, no matter how many people try to make it a bad thing.

That goes for you, too. Never, ever, let anyone take that from you.

Think about your inner child today. Do something you enjoyed back then, and tell yourself that you're doing great.

Because you are!

–Abbie