Old Habits Die Hard

I recently aggravated an old injury in my shoulder, causing quite a bit of pain if I try to do much with that arm. Because of this, I had to ask my coworkers and my boss to make some accommodations for me since my job involves a lot of lifting.

Almost every time I asked if someone else could do a task I was assigned, the answer was yes and that was that. However, the people-pleaser in me has had a very difficult time with this whole situation.

For my whole life, I’ve been afraid of doing anything that inconvenienced anyone. Even if it meant putting myself and my comfort last, I would do whatever they needed just to be as helpful as humanly possible. That’s the kind of person I want to be, helpful. However, there has to be a line where I admit I can’t do something.

My shoulder was killing me. Doing anything made the pain worse—extending my arm, reaching up for something, lifting anything—and that was hard doing my job that is almost completely dependent on upper-body strength. I knew that I needed to speak up about the pain so I could avoid making it worse, but that was easier said than done.

The first day I worked with the pain, my coworker who was put in charge for the day understood and figured out a way to make things work without me. It felt good to have that off my chest. The next day, my boss was working and when I explained what was going on she said she would see what she could do. The day went on and I was still tasked with something I couldn’t do. I brought this up to her and she fixed it for me. Throughout that day, my anxiety was through the roof, to the point that my stomach began to ache from the worry of what the rest of my team would think.

Would people think I was faking or trying to get out of doing my fair share? What would I tell them? How could I prove my shoulder pain to them?

This whole situation turned out to be a great exercise in setting boundaries around my health. I knew in the moment that my therapist would love hearing about how I handled it, but first I had to actually, you know, handle it.

I reminded myself that I needed to stand firm, that my health and comfort was more important than what other people think of me. I am not the only person responsible for doing work, the team can manage without me for a weekend.

I eventually found out that a couple coworkers had been complaining about me getting out of a task that was assigned to me. My instinct was to over explain and try to prove myself, but then I remembered something else: I don’t owe them anything. There is no way to prove that I hurt myself, and no one else gets told to prove their injuries to the team. Again, they would be just fine without me for a few days.

My shoulder is feeling a lot better now, though there is still some soreness and an occasional dull ache, but I was able to fully participate in work over this past weekend, with almost no pain. While I obviously didn’t want to get tendonitis in my shoulder, I am proud of myself for sticking to my boundaries and handling the situation the way I did. I’m also very grateful for my coworkers who were very understanding and helped me out.

If you, like me, struggle to set and stick to boundaries, I hope you have an opportunity to practice that skill—though I also hope you don’t hurt yourself to have that chance.

—Abbie