Resentment

Knowing what I know now, it seems obvious that I was experiencing severe anxiety from a very young age. I had horrible separation anxiety whenever I was away from my mom, I had meltdowns that now I know were likely panic attacks. My picky eating was also a result of high anxiety around food.

I've been thinking a lot lately about this time in my life, and how when I was going through it, I often blamed myself. Almost all of the people around me–adults and other kids–made me feel like there was something wrong with me, and I began to believe that. I have a distinct memory of being in fourth grade and, as I was already dreaming of becoming a writer, wanting to write something for anyone else who felt the way I did. The problem was that I didn't have the tools to communicate what I was feeling, because most of the people I grew up around didn't have those tools either.

Asking any child to explain big feelings seems like a long shot, in my opinion. Couple that with a genuine lack of language to express very complicated feelings, and it's a lost cause altogether. If you’re on Tiktok you may have seen videos of younger parents trying to make communication between themselves and their kids better by openly talking about their feelings. This is very encouraging to me, and I hope to be able to do that with my own kids in the future.

After years of therapy and processing, I’m finally at a place where I can express how I feel and not apologize for it. It’s difficult, don’t get me wrong, but it is also incredibly worth it.

After doing all of this work and seeing the patterns that I and the people around me fell into throughout my childhood, I’m left with a lot of complicated feelings. Should I blame those people for not having the tools to help me? Was it their fault that mental healthcare was not discussed or even accessible in my area when I was growing up? I don’t have clear cut answers to any of these questions, and that makes everything harder. I don’t want to be angry at those people who were just doing what they could with the information they had, but I also don’t want to be angry at the little girl who was struggling but couldn’t explain how or why.

Maybe anger isn’t the right word. I do find myself resenting some of those people when they say something tone deaf, most likely without even realizing it.

I’ve become so much more confident in myself in the past few years, and as I’m learning to be my full, true self with the people in my life, I still find myself feeling odd around those I had these past experiences with. My inner child panics when I get the sense that some of them still don’t approve of who I am—even though I can’t say for sure if that is true. I know I should bring this up to them, but constantly hearing that I was being too sensitive growing up has made me very apprehensive to do that.

Maybe someday I’ll finally explain why I don’t enjoy being around those people and places. Maybe they’ll understand, maybe they won’t. Maybe it’ll be hurtful, maybe it’ll be healing. At the very least, I will finally have some closure.

If you’re working through similar feelings right now, know that I’m rooting for you. There was never anything wrong with the person you were or are now. You deserved acceptance and still do today. You matter, all of you.

Take care of yourself.

—Abbie