“Stop Thinking About It”
As someone who has struggled with anxiety for my entire life, this might be the most frustrating thing I hear from people. I know they mean well, but I always want to look at them and say, “Gee, I never thought to do that!”
Along with anxiety, I also deal with intrusive thoughts from time to time. If you also have experience with them you know how debilitating they can be. The first time I remember have an intrusive thought was when I was in first grade. My class was learning about the human body, and at one point she explained (in an age-appropriate way) what heart attacks are. That night, I couldn't sleep because my brain was convinced I was going to have a heart attack during the night.
The thing about anxiety and other mental illnesses like it is that logic doesn't help. Logically I understand that it's highly unlikely for me to get T-boned when driving down the road, but my brain doesn't care about logic, my brain only wants to ask “what if it does happen?”
It's incredibly frustrating to have someone tell me how unlikely it is for some horrible event I've imagined to actually happen, because I know that. As John and Hank Green said once in an episode of their podcast, “If the worries made sense, it wouldn't be a disorder.” I think about that quote all the time, especially when I start to beat myself up about the so-called “stupid” thing I'm worried about. I've internalized a lot of negative ideas about my anxiety over the years, and it's been difficult to dig my way out.
In the past few years as I've been able to learn more about how my brain works and what I need in these anxious moments, I have been able to more effectively communicate what I need–and what I do not need–to the people around me. Whether it's in the moment or after things have calmed down, sitting down with a loved one and explaining how their words were not exactly helpful has been a great way to open up conversations about anxiety in general.
Of course, no one is perfect. I often find myself unsure of what to say when someone I care about is struggling with anxious thought patterns, even if I've been in their shoes before. I am not an expert by any means, however I do have some advice if you're trying to support someone.
Don't invalidate their feelings. This may feel like a given after what we've just gone through, but it's very important to remember!
Let them lead and don't push for more information if they're uncomfortable. If you've ever been on the receiving end of this, you know it's far from helpful or constructive.
You don't have to solve their problems or have all the answers. I know you want to help as much as you can, and it might feel like you aren't doing enough. Sometimes, though, simply being there and being willing to listen is the best thing you can do.
I hope you found these tips useful, whether you're thinking about how to support someone you care about or explaining what you need when you're struggling.
Anxiety is hard, even when your brain tells you that you “should” be able to do something that seems impossible. I hope you know that you are not alone, we're all working through it together.
Take care of yourself, folks.
–Abbie
