Proving Myself

Ever since I was little, I've felt like I need to prove myself to people.

I felt like I needed to prove that I wasn't too quiet. I wanted to prove that I could talk loud enough for people to hear me, and carry on a conversation. I wouldn't say this was a completely negative thing, it did help me get out of my shell, but I don't believe it's a healthy way to think.

The bigger thing I felt like I needed to prove was that I wasn't “too sensitive”– a descriptor given to me by both kids and adults. The grown ups around me made it sound like it was a bad thing to be sensitive. Anytime I cried or showed any big feeling, I saw eye rolls and heard resigned sighs before I would be asked what’s wrong as if it was a huge burden for them to ask me. Please be aware of what you say and how you say it around kids, they absorb more than you think.

As I’ve gotten older and become more comfortable being my true self, it’s been interesting to see the people who wanted me to be more outgoing and secure in myself react to it. I make jokes, share my opinions, and above all just…be myself. I’ve found that I still get weird vibes from those people, and as happy as I am to be comfortable enough to be myself in these settings, I still get weird vibes from some of these people. I grew up watching people’s reactions so closely that I find myself doing it constantly. Maybe I’m imagining it, but it feels like I will never be enough for these people.

I’m incredibly grateful for the friends I’ve made in the past few years who have met me along this journey and don’t expect me to change who I am to be good enough—these people accept me for me. Having a fresh start with brand new people was never something I thought I would cherish as much as I do now, and I think that’s another measure of how far I’ve come.

I've never needed to prove myself, because the person I was was already good enough. I didn't need to change to make people think higher of me, I needed to think higher of myself. I wish I could go back in time and tell that little girl that she deserved better than what she got from the people around her.

I might not be able to tell myself that, but I can tell you all. If no one has told you lately, you are good enough just as you are.

—Abbie