Chronic Illness & Control

Sometimes I feel like I've come to terms with my chronic illness. Sometimes I think that I have everything under control, and then my body reminds me that I don’t have control over anything.

I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a control freak, but there are some things that my brain decides I need to be able to perfectly at all times or else. Or else what? Logically I understand that I can’t do everything perfectly all the time, or on my first try, or consistently, and that that’s completely normal. I’m a person! I’m not built to be perfect, no one is. The fun thing about having a brain that likes to play devil’s advocate is that it will fight against all logical thoughts.

No one is perfect, but I should be. This is out of my control, but I need to be able to control this. Failing is part of life and it’s normal, but if I fail I’ll be letting people down and I can’t do that.

I was talking to my therapist about this earlier this week, and she was trying to lead me further down the logic path. The more I think about it that way, I’m starting to believe it. Slowly but surely.

The thing about type 1 diabetes is that it’s almost entirely trial and error. Every time I see my doctor, we talk about where my blood sugars have been, adjust how much insulin I take at meals and at bedtime, and, this is a direct quote from multiple endocrinologists, see how it goes. No one has diabetes fully figured out or in control, because there are countless factors that affect blood sugar levels. Stress, diet, activity, my period, getting sick, and several other things happening inside my body at any given time.

I can only speak for diabetes, of course, but from what I’ve heard, a lot of this applies to most chronic illnesses. There’s something going on in your body that you simply have no control over. It’s frustrating, and people who don’t deal with health issues have no concept of. People will try to tell you that it’s simple—just eat healthy, just exercise, try this weird thing that my friend used to cure a completely different condition, listen to this person who isn’t a doctor—and believe me, I know how annoying that is.

We might not have the same chronic condition, but know that I’m over here rooting for you on the hard days and cheering for you on the good days.

Take care of yourself,

—Abbie