Getting To Know Myself

I will never forget the moment my therapist asked me to list things I liked about myself. Sitting in her mid-sized office, across a small round table from her. She had my notebook open and was ready to write them out. I was sitting there, feeling so uncomfortable that she must have been able to feel it coming off of me. The only thing I was able to get out was that I was a good friend—my voice broke when I said it.

At some point in my life, I got the idea in my head that talking about my positive traits was egotistical. Where did this idea come from? I really wish I knew. In that moment with my therapist, I drew a blank. It wasn’t like I had things in my mind, but I was too afraid to voice them, I had nothing. Tears flooded my vision as I realized how sad it was that I couldn’t even list five things I liked about myself.

I believe this was an important step on my journey to fully accept myself. I had all these ideas in my head about how I should be—more outgoing, less shy, more confident, skinnier, more adventurous with food—that there was no room for me to think about the person I was. Who was I? Besides being a sixteen-year-old girl who was newly a type 1 diabetic with generalized anxiety disorder, I was at a loss. So, I went with something that I wanted to be true. I prided myself on being a good friend to the people in my life, partly because I had had bad experiences growing up with toxic friends and I wanted to make sure no one felt the way I did because of me. There was one thing I could say, but what else?

It probably goes without saying that this is not a pleasant memory for me. It reminds me of how disconnected I was from myself for most of my life. I was so far removed from the person I was. Sure, I had interests and hobbies, but could I actually tell you about why I liked those things? Could I open up to you about what I was feeling? No, at least not without completely breaking down.

Almost six years later, I feel like I am closer to truly accepting and loving myself than I ever have been. It’s not easy to rework your brain like this, but I’m proof that it can be done. Thanks to therapy and people in my life who encourage this growth, I’ve made a wild amount of progress. Not just that, but I know myself now. I know who I am and I’m not ashamed to say it. I know that I’m a good friend, smart, funny, and good at my job. I don’t have to hedge around saying these things anymore.

In most of these posts, all the advice I have could pretty much be summed up like this: Go to therapy. I genuinely believe that everyone can benefit from talking to a mental health professional. Whether you think you have a “problem” or not, having an unbiased person to listen to you and help you work through life’s struggles can be an incredible experience. The difficult part is finding the right therapist for you and, if you live in the US like me, one that will take your insurance. If therapy is something you’ve been thinking about trying in the new year, I really hope you do it. Don’t be discouraged if the first one you find isn’t a good match, there is someone out there that can work with you and meet your needs.

Take care of yourself and, hey, get to know them too.

—Abbie