Burden

I was a very sensitive, very emotional kid. I cried when things didn't go right, when other people were crying, or even if I thought someone was mad at me (even if they weren't). Looking back now, I know that those meltdowns we're early signs of my anxiety, but at the time, it felt bad.

The adults in my life began ignoring me when I became emotional, believing I was just doing it for attention–which is hilarious, seeing as I absolutely hated any kind of attention when I was growing up.

As I got older, I began internalizing my emotions. They seemed to be too much for other people, so I thought the best thing to do would be to not show them. Or at least try not to.

My first therapist explained it to me like this:

Imagine you have a bottle, and for years you're filling it up. What's going to happen? It's going to explode eventually, most likely when you're not ready for it. That's exactly what would happen to me.

Something “small” would go wrong and I would have a complete breakdown, much to the confusion and sometimes frustration of the adults around me. Add to that the fact that I couldn't explain where the tears were coming from, and it was a mess.

At a very young age, I started seeing my feelings and emotions as a problem. A problem that the people around me had to deal with if I didn't do something about it first. I saw my feelings, and by extension myself, as a burden.

That word carries a lot of weight. Despite feeling like it, I hardly ever said it out loud. I would replace it with phrases like I’m always in the way, which in my mind meant the same thing.

When I first started therapy and talking through all this, I learned something important: I am not a burden.

My anxiety does not make me a burden. My feelings do not make me a burden.

This isn't something you unlearn overnight, however. I still apologize when I start to cry in front of people, or apologize for reacting a certain way. It's really difficult to break those habits.

I've made progress, though, and if you're also trying to unlearn this about yourself, know that I'm right there with you, cheering you on

Stay safe out there.

–Abbie