“The idea you had of me, who was she?”

Ever since I heard that lyric in Taylor Swift's extended version of her song “All Too Well”, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. This line and the one immediately before it went viral on TikTok, and while the lyric that preceeds it is heartbreaking, this one is what stuck with me the most.

I have been thinking a lot over the past few months about who I am, who I used to be, and who I am becoming. Who am I, anyway?

I've changed a lot over the past few years. My diabetes and anxiety diagnoses, graduating from high school, starting college, getting a new job. Not to mention the pandemic. All of those things are breeding grounds for change in a person. There's also the fact that I've noticed myself growing away from some of the people and places I was once closest to.

One day I'll write an entire piece about this, but as of now, here's what I'll say: I have been considering leaving my home church of twenty-one+ years for quite a while now. I am, as many people online say, deconstructing. That church does not feel like home to me anymore–and that in itself is incredibly heartbreaking.

With that said, I've mostly been thinking about that lyric in relationship to who I am to the people of that church. My family has been heavily involved there since before I was born, so nearly everyone knows me. But do they really?

It seems like many of them still see me as the little shy girl I was all those years ago, not an adult woman with her own thoughts and opinions. Maybe I'm imagining it, but I feel trapped by their perception of me.

The fact is, I'm not that person anymore. I'm on anxiety medication, I've come out of my shell, I've grown up! Even without the issues I have about what goes on in that building, it would be natural for me to distance myself from there at some point.

Here's something else I've recently realized: when I was little, I wasn't really being myself. I was so consumed by my anxiety and fear of rejection that I basically just stood there and did what I was told. I had friends, of course, who I was more natural around, but to the adults around me? I was just the little girl who cried a lot.

It’s odd, becoming an adult without having a true idea of who you are. Maybe everyone goes through that, but at this scale? I don’t know.

If you relate to any of this, know that I’m right there beside you, unpacking my own childhood along with you.

Stay safe!

—Abbie