Worth Doing

I've been thinking a lot lately about breaking cycles. There are patterns that have existed in my family–on both sides–for generations, and it's hard to watch current generations repeat them.

Growing up, I was always the quiet kid. I was the one who didn't speak up, but just accepted whatever was going on because the adults around me said it wasn't worth worrying about. So, that's what I believed for a long time.

I had heard about people cutting off or going no contact with family members, but that always seemed so harsh to me. Again, as a kid I was taught to ignore all of the red flags I saw. Even as other family members would complain about the people who caused problems, it was always done with an air of “eh, what are you gonna do?”

As I've gotten older, though, my tolerance for being mistreated has gone way, way down. I officially went no contact with the only two members of my dad's family that I've ever known last year, and while I knew it had to be done, that didn't make it any easier for my people-pleaser inner child who desperately wanted to fix things and act like the past never happened. I told my therapist about this feeling, and she said it was understandable, but that doing so would be betraying the kid that went through all of the hard times with these people. I want to make that kid proud, and even though it was difficult, I'm glad I did it.

I have gotten some push back from people on the outside of the situation. I was talking about this situation at work and a coworker said, “well, they might be products of their environment” or something to that affect. I felt myself getting defensive, so I simply explained that it was more complicated than I was willing to talk about.

That's a really important boundary to make with yourself: You don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you don't want to have a relationship with a family member. Especially someone who isn't involved at all and has absolutely zero context. They don't need the context, they need to respect your choices.

Not to belabor the point, but none of this is easy. The realization that someone's behavior isn't healthy, deciding to cut ties, and explaining it to others is a process that may take years, not to mention the emotional pain of every one of these steps. No one does it without a lot of thinking and, ideally, a lot of help.

You might look at all of the pain and emotions surrounding this and wonder if it's worth it. Is it worth going through all of this hurt for someone who has hurt me in the past? That's for every individual to decide, but I will say that, on the other side of it, it is worth doing.

–Abbie