Unlearning
You’re such a crybaby.
What's wrong now?
Why do you cry so much?
Don't be so sensitive.
Growing up, I heard these phrases (and more) quite a bit. I won't go into detail about how anxious I was as a kid, I've written about that several times now. Instead, this post is going to be about the things I've had to unlearn about myself.
I got a lot of mixed messages. It was good that I was sensitive, but I had to stop letting my feelings get hurt so easily. It was fine for me to be quiet, but not too quiet. Where was the line? It seemed like everyone knew except for me.
Every once in a while I'll see a post online that says something along the lines of “when adults called me an old soul they meant I didn't have any big feelings they needed to worry about”. It hits me harder every time I see it, because it feels so true.
I was the old soul, the mature kid. I wasn't running around screaming and being loud like all the other kids around me. Was that good? I don't know, but the adults in my life seemed to appreciate my personality.
This idea also contributes to anxiety as you get older. I spend a lot of time reminding myself that my feelings aren't just okay, but they're part of being a human. I hate crying in front of people because I just hear all these voices in my head telling my that what I'm crying about doesn't matter, that I'm being dramatic. Years of therapy, journaling, and support from friends and family have helped me overcome some of these toxic ideas, but they still remain.
I still don't think the walls of negative ideas that have been built around me will ever fully come down. I wish I could say the last five years have all but cured me, but that's not true. I've made so much progress, but as I've written elsewhere on this blog, progress isn't linear. You take a few steps forward but two more backwards. And that's okay!
It's frustrating, I know. If you're in the middle of this work right now, know that I'm in your corner. I'm right there with you, cheering you on. It's very, very hard work, but it's incredibly worthwhile.
Keep going.
–Abbie
