My Place

When I was growing up, my anxiety and people-pleasing tendencies were completely unchecked and running rampant in my life. One way it all manifested–and, let's be honest, still manifests–was my horrible fear of conflict.

Anything would set me off. If any person around me was angry about something, I was convinced I was either the cause of it or I was responsible for making it better. I would start trying to make people laugh, diffuse the tension. Most of the time I just stayed quiet and tried to make myself as invisible as possible as to not make anything worse.

Let me be very clear about something: None of that was my responsibility. Ever. I should not have felt like I was carrying the weight of my family and friends’ emotions. Emotions are normal! People get angry, irritable, sad and that's okay. It doesn't need to be fixed.

As I've gotten older, I've tried (and failed) several times to get over this. My first instinct is to try and fix things, and if I can't, I try to be there for whoever is upset. The need to mediate an argument and solve the problem was definitely still there, but I slowly came to terms with the fact that I couldn't always do that. Sometimes it just isn't my place.

In fact, it isn't my place most of the time.

I recently noticed that I had broken this habit. I'm not sure when, it just sort of happened.

A few of my coworkers were having some issues with each other. I'm friends with both of them, and I listened to both sides of the story while trying my best not to take sides. I was as impartial as possible while also pointing out where the other person was coming from. Things were eventually sorted out, but not by me.

It's incredibly freeing to realize that you don't have to hold responsibility for these situations. Now, that doesn't mean that you shouldn’t care about anyone’s problems, that's not at all what I'm saying. I'm saying that you are not solely responsible for another person’s happiness or problem solving. If you’re a recovering people pleaser like me, it’s going to be a tough habit to break.

Sometimes all you need to do it step back and say, “Hey, I'll listen to you and give some advice if I can, but I don't feel like it's my place to get in the middle of this.”

Because it isn't.

–Abbie