On Leaving People Behind

Cutting people out of your life is complicated. It makes sense, right? It doesn't exactly sound easy to do, and it isn't something people say casually. When it is brought up, the person who is talking about cutting ties, especially with a family member, is immediately peppered with questions that someone shift the blame back onto them.

What happened? Was it really that bad? Have you thought about it from their perspective? Why are you blaming all of it on them?

These questions make it infinitely more difficult to not just talk about cutting someone out, but also convincing yourself that it's a good idea. Maybe it wasn't as bad as I think, maybe I'm being dramatic. It's basically societally acceptable gaslighting.

I have never really spoken about my experience with cutting ties with family members, not publicly anyway, but I thought it was time to share my story.

This story focuses mostly on two family members who seemingly from the jump had tension with my parents, and I didn't know these people very well when I was little. It was a very on again off again situation, and being a kid, I couldn't exactly drive to their house to see them whenever I wanted. Heck, I didn't even know their phone numbers.

As I got older, the tensions started seeping into my life more and more. It felt like I was being blamed for things that happened when I was a baby, or in some cases not even born yet. I was carrying guilt for things I wasn't even involved in. This guilt was not from my parents, but from these family members. When I was around thirteen years old, I was essentially told by one of them that it was my fault we all didn't have a better relationship.

I was also expected to maintain and keep up our entire relationship. I was ten, eleven years old having to prove to two fully grown adults that I wanted them in my life. Contrast that with other people in my family, adults who initiated things to keep us connected. You know, like adults. This expectation didn't just compound my guilt, but it also bred resentment. I resented them for making me feel so horrible, but I knew that I definitely couldn't tell them that. It would not have gone over well.

Flash forward to a couple of weeks ago. I was at work, minding my own business, when I got a Facebook message from one of them. It was a long one, essentially saying that they wanted to apologize for everything that had happened and, if I was willing, try to have a real relationship. I was blindsided. Up until that point I hadn't spoken to either of them in years. Even though I was at work and I knew this was going to be an emotionally taxing conversation, I replied. I told them that I was not interested in attempting to salvage our basically non-existent relationship, that I was not willing to put myself back into a position that would open me up to pain. Pain that my inner child knew all too well. I couldn't do that to myself.

This conversation went on longer than this, but long story short, they told me they understood and respected my decision. I thanked them for their apology, and that was that.

As I filled my therapist in on all of this last week, I came to a realization. All of the guilt tripping, all of the phone calls they refused to make to me, none of it was about me. It wasn't even about having a relationship with me, it was about them. It was never my fault that they didn't reach out first, or that they had a bad relationship with my parents. How could it have been? The guilt that I had been living with for almost half of my life was never mine to carry.

It was a very difficult and healing conversation. Healing is painful sometimes, and I never understood exactly how painful it could be until I read that message. I had over a decades worth of things to get off my chest, and I'm proud of myself for standing my ground and voicing my feelings.

Unfortunately I don't have many tips for how to handle this situation in your own life. I didn't wake up that day expecting that to happen, after all. But I will give you this advice: if you are not in a position where you can tell toxic people that you don't want them in your life, journal out what you would like to say to them. If you're in therapy, tell you mental health professional. If not, tell someone in your life that you trust.

I know our society doesn't like to deal with toxicity like this. We would much rather keep our heads down and avoid conflict. They're your family, people will say. But guess what?

You are their family, too.

–Abbie