On Grieving Twice

I was listening to an old episode of John and Hank Green’s podcast on my way home from work the other day, and they read a question from a listener who had a pet rabbit that was nearing the end of its life, and they wanted to know how to deal with grieving someone or something who is still alive.

This question made me think about my grandma. This coming January will be the two year anniversary of her death, and recently I’ve been thinking a lot about how her dementia changed her in the later years of her life. John said that there is a sense of “pre-grief” in relationships such as the listener and their rabbit. You know, he said, sometimes when you first meet someone, that the relationship will end someday. Whether it is because of one party passing away, or friends or family members losing touch. I definitely felt this with my grandmother.

At the time, I didn’t know I was grieving. I think I had a wall up, protecting myself from the very real and very sad reality that was in front of me: Grandma was getting worse, and she was fading away from us, and quickly. I saw myself more in a caregiver role, I think, and was able to keep my emotions out of it for the most part. It’s odd, knowing that your grief spans through the past and present.

This element of the grieving process has been one of the hardest for me so far. I find myself thinking that it isn’t fair that I didn’t get to spend enough time with my grandma with her being her full, aware self. Of course it isn’t fair—losing a loved one in any circumstance is always difficult, regardless of the specifics.

On the podcast, John said that the listener who asked the question should focus on the fact that their pet rabbit was still there with them, and to enjoy the time they had together. This is the same advice my dad would give to my mom on particularly hard days. She’s still here, remember that.

Another thing my dad has said is that, no matter how unfair losing Grandma was, it would have been even less fair to ask her to continue living the way she was. She wasn’t living, at least not in the way she was before she began losing her memory.

Grief is hard, and, unfortunately, it never gets easier. You don’t get over it, you take it with you as you go through life. Grieving someone who is still with you is an odd sensation, but even—and maybe especially—in the hard times, remember that they’re still with you.

—Abbie