On Feeling Invisible

If anyone reading this knows me personally, you know I’m quiet.

I’ve always been introverted. Quiet, shy, reserved—whatever word you want to use, that’s me. When I was growing up, it was a lot of social anxiety. I didn’t like talking to people I didn’t know, especially adults. Heck, even adults I did know, I wouldn’t outright talk to them. My parents or grandparents would have to conduct all conversations for me, prompting me every once in a while to say hi or thank you to the old people at church.

As I got older, I opened up a tiny, tiny bit at a time. I made my way through high school with a small but really good group of friends, some of the best I’ve ever had. However, it’s hard to shake the habit of fading into the background when I was in groups of people. When I started high school, I was thrown from a building that barely ever broke one hundred students to a campus that easily held over five times that. I made a promise to myself that I would always ask questions in class if I was confused. I didn’t want to let my shyness get in the way of doing well in school. So, yes, I was the kid that sat in the front of the room every day. Sue me.

While I have absolutely grown out of some of my social anxiety, there are some situations where I can’t shake it. There are certain people that I find it really hard to be open with, to speak my mind around. I wish I could pinpoint why that is, and I do have some theories.

Part of me believes that I don’t mind the image people have of me. Maybe I don’t mind being seen as the quiet girl, the one who just smiles and nods along. Maybe I want people to think of me that way, maybe I’m worried of how they’ll think of me if they know how I truly feel about certain subjects or topics.

As much as I resent that image of myself and want to grow out of it, I do think it’s more comfortable for everyone involved if it stays that way. On the other hand, no growth happens if there’s no discomfort.

I wish I had a satisfying ending to this, but the truth is I’m still working through my thoughts and feelings about this.

Stay safe and hang in there!

—Abbie