Perfection

It is very difficult for me to internalize the fact that I am not, and cannot be, perfect.

Maybe it's a symptom of my anxiety, but I have always been a perfectionist. I've always wanted to do and be the best I can be, and that isn't inherently a bad thing. I can push myself to put in all my effort and make something I'm proud of–not unlike this blog.

When it becomes unhealthy, though, is when I start beating myself up about something not being perfect. Maybe I posted a blog that I wasn't totally in love with, but I wanted to get something posted, or maybe I decided it wasn't good enough and so I didn't post anything for multiple weeks.

I recently saw a TikTok where someone was giving advice their dad had given them. The advice was this (slightly paraphrased): You have to make the not-great stuff now in order to make the great stuff later. This really hit me hard.

Now, I am incredibly proud of this thing that I've built and every piece of writing I post–but sometimes I have to ignore my inner critic and post the blog I'm not sure about anyway. Maybe that post is even better than I think it is, maybe I've just been thinking too hard about it. Practice makes perfect, right?

My perfectionistic tendencies also shine through when it comes to my health. I tend to be hard on myself when my blood sugar is higher than I want it to be, especially if I made the choice to eat more than what I took insulin for. You know how this works, I think. Why would you do this? Or even when I forget some of my supplies. You've been diabetic for how long, and you forgot to bring your insulin to a restaurant? Come on!

These thoughts obviously don't help at all, but my brain loves to critique itself. No matter how much progress I make in giving myself some grace, there will always be that part of my brain that latches on to any and all mistakes.

As usual with these posts, I don't have any concrete advice to help you out of your own perfectionistic ways that'll help everyone. There is no one size fits all approach. The only thing that helps is time and practice, which really sucks.

Doing the work is hard, but it's also necessary. I've had to learn to let go of some things I can't control and be comfortable with that discomfort. Cliche, I know, and it's even more annoying that it's true.

Let's make a promise to each other. The next time you (or I) feel like you're spiraling over something that you don't think lives up your impossible standards, walk away for a minute. Sleep on it, come back to it when you feel a little more clear-headed. It'll be okay, trust me.

We're all in this together, my fellow perfectionists.

–Abbie