My Body
I've been working really hard lately on unlearning some of the toxic ideas I have about my weight and trying to love my body for what it is, rather than pressuring myself to reach some unattainable goal of what I think it should be.
When I was in middle school, I hated going shopping with my mom. Well, that's not necessarily true. I didn't hate shopping, I hated trying on clothes. I would tell her that we were only looking at clothes, but I'm not trying anything on. I had this nagging fear in the back of my mind that whatever I tried on, even if it was the biggest size the store carried, it might not fit me–there is nothing wrong with that, don't get me wrong. Every body type is different, sizing is garbage. Bear with my twelve-year-old insecurities.
I remember when I told my mom I wanted to look at clothes just before starting high school. She was shocked, and immediately hurried to the clothing section of the store with me. I still wasn't confident in how I looked, but baby steps still make progress.
While I was in highs chool, my body image stayed pretty much the same. I was content-ish with how I looked, but I couldn't think about it for too long without my brain pointing out every insecurity I had. Every once in a while I would find myself in a dressing room at a store, trying on an article of clothing, thinking it looked good on me, before subsequently talking myself out of getting it, because what if I was wrong? What if it didn't actually look good?
In other words, I was an expert at hurting my own feelings–that’s what a lifetime of practice gets you.
I'm turning twenty-one this year, and I'm working hard this summer to push myself outside of my comfort zone when it comes to the clothes I wear. I've been doing well so far, wearing outfits that I wouldn't have dreamed of putting on a year or two ago, and I'm proud of myself.
Wherever you are in your journey to body positivity or neutrality, I hope you remember that a few bad days do not mean you're back to where you started. Progress isn't linear.
I'm so proud of you for learning to love yourself.
–Abbie
