Self-Sabotage

I have never had a lot of faith in myself or my abilities. When I was growing up, I was given the idea that I was too shy, too emotional, too quiet, too nervous to do certain things—directly and indirectly. I want to dig a little deeper into how this, mixed with anxiety, has affected me since beginning my therapy and overall mental health journey.

If you live with anxiety or know someone who does, you know how difficult it can be to motivate yourself to do things, especially things that fall outside of your comfort zone. We’ve all been told a million times that “live begins outside of your comfort zone” and all those other cliches, and while there is some truth to that, those aren’t exactly helpful to someone who freezes at the idea of trying something new. I’ve had a lot of great experiences since learning to challenge myself, but even I know that telling fifteen-year-old me that would not have made a difference. That kind of thing only serves to make us feel worse about what we aren’t doing.

As I began slowly stepping outside of my box, I was very jumpy. If anything went wrong, I was retreating back to safety. Small steps are still progress, though.

I have a history of sabotaging things for myself. I’ve cancelled plans with friends on very short notice, pulled out of various outings with people, and even as I was doing that, I was beating myself up about it. That’s the other side of being in therapy, you can recognize the habits you’re falling into and how unhealthy they are. Don’t even get me started on how my therapist responded when I told her about these times…

Why do I do this, especially with opportunities that I genuinely want? I believe it stems from a couple of things. For one, I am afraid of rejection. What if I say the wrong thing, or show up late, or some other minor infraction that I'll be thinking about for the next month? What if I fail somehow?

Second, my fear of uncomfortable feelings. I've written on here before about my history of avoiding my feelings, and while I have made remarkable progress, there's still a voice in the back of my head whispering that maybe it's better if things stay the same. No risk, no potential for failure.

I’ve been thinking about this lately because I recently had a job interview. I’ve been thinking back to where I was two years ago, back before I started at my current job, and how terrified she was to apply for the job I have now. How close she was to turning around and leaving the store, opting to stay at a job paying less money for less hours and a work environment she disliked. But she didn’t turn around. She did the interview, heart racing the whole time.

With the advantage of two years experience dealing with people I don’t know added onto the countless zoom meetings and video assignments I had to do for my ASL classes, I sat down at my desk and joined the zoom waiting room. I talked to two people I’ve never met and answered their questions with confidence. I showed my personality. I am incredibly proud of myself and the journey that has led me here.

It’s not easy, but the journey to get here has been worth it. It is an uphill battle, but if you’re in the middle of it now, know that all of us who have been there are rooting for you. I know you will get there, one step at a time.

—Abbie