I Will Be

If you ever saw me cry when I was growing up and asked me if I was okay, there's a pretty good chance I immediately said yeah, I'm fine. Obviously this was a bold-faced lie, as something was clearly bothering me. However, I had this idea in my mind (that did come from some external sources) that I should focus all of my attention on helping others, and making sure no one ever worried about me. Ever.

Was this incredibly unhealthy? Absolutely!

Was it also an early sign of my severe anxiety disorder? Ding ding ding!

It wasn't until I began going to therapy was I was sixteen that I even truly noticed that I was doing this, and that it was an avoidance tactic. While not extremely effective, telling someone you're fine when you're clearly not is a way to tell the people around you that you are not interested in talking about whatever it is that made you upset. In many cases, in my experience, talking about what was wrong made me cry more, and no one–or at least me–wanted that.

Thanks to my very first therapist, I began to change this habit. I needed to be more honest with myself, and also the people around me. How was anyone supposed to help when I desperately needed it if I wouldn't talk about what was going on?

Denying my own feelings to myself was also not good. Over the years, I became completely disconnected from my emotions and my responses to them. I had so much practice at shoving them down, it became second nature.

So, how did I stop doing that? It didn't happen overnight, and my willingness to commit to breaking the habit changed depending on the moment.

I started small. I wasn't ready to, as my therapist put it, break down the wall I had in front of my feelings just yet. So, if someone asked me if I was okay, I started saying this:

I will be.

I wasn't lying to anyone, most importantly myself, and it was honest. It implied that no, I wasn't okay, but I knew I eventually would be. It's much more optimistic, and a reminder that even the hardest, darkest time of your life don't last forever.

I won't pretend that I don't fall back into my old habits now and then. If it has something to do with a topic I genuinely don't want to talk about with friends or coworkers, I'll still sometimes nod or say yes. Or, I'll combine the truth with optimism, even if I'm not truly feeling it:

No, but I will be.

If you’re going through a hard time right now, I hope you take the time to let yourself feel the emotions that go along with it. It's painful, I know, but you'll be glad you did it in the long run.

And hey, if you're not okay right now, say it with me: I will be. Because you will. I promise.

To everyone celebrating Christmas this weekend, I hope you have a safe and blessed holiday!

Thanks for reading along with me for the last year (!!!) of my blog, it's been an honor to share my story with you.

–Abbie