Just Checking In

Last week during a session with my therapist, she asked me when I last had a panic attack. I have never had panic attacks very often (thankfully), so it took me a minute to remember. Then I realized it had been two years, almost exactly, since my last one.

The end of April, 2020. COVID lockdowns had been going on for about a month, my school semester was almost over, and my anxiety was through the roof. I hadn't been sleeping, and my driving anxiety–which I won't go into here because I've written about it elsewhere on here–was showing no sign of letting up.

If you've never had a panic attack before, let me try to explain what it feels like.

Imagine feeling more restless than you've ever felt in your life. You have so much pent up energy inside of you, but you have no idea how to get it out. It just keeps building, and building, and building. Pressure. You can't exactly tell where it's coming from, but there is pressure in you, and you feel desperate to get it out. How do you do that? You don't. Your body decides when it happens.

When it finally comes out, you're shaking uncontrollably, you're crying, you feel like the walls are caving in, and there's nothing you can do to put a lid on it. The lid has been blown off and you have no idea where it could be, and you are in no state to look for it. The jar (aka your pent up energy) has exploded, and you just have to wait for it to empty out.

Panic attacks are terrifying. Losing control or your emotions and your mind is a horrifying experience, and, again, there's not much you can do about it. After a panic attack is over, I feel exhausted. My body has expended all of the energy that was begging to be let loose and then some. On this particular night in April of 2020, even after my body and mind were running on empty, I still couldn't sleep.

As I told my therapist that it's been two years since my last panic attack, she let out a sigh of relief. I am of the opinion that there are few things that feel better than your therapist being proud of you, and at that moment, as we went over how my anxiety has lessened and how I've challenged myself over the last two years, it felt incredible.

Then, my therapist asked me what I wanted to do next. What do I want to get out of therapy? Where do I want to go from here? I didn't have an answer to that right away. When you're in the process of therapy, you don't really think of an end point. You don't “win” therapy, right?

Eventually I came up with an answer. I want to continue therapy sessions because they give me an opportunity to check in with myself. I've gotten a lot better over the past few years with feeling my feelings and understanding them, but there is always work that can be done there. I don't always stop and think about what triggered a thought or a feeling, or how I react. I also appreciate having an unbiased person to talk to about my problems–someone who isn't a coworker to talk about stressful situations at work, someone who isn't a friend or a family member close to another issue.

As Mental Health Awareness Month comes to and end, I want you to take a moment and appreciate how far you've come. Whether that be mentally, physically, your job performance, your relationships, anything. Take some time to journal about it. Checking in with yourself can be difficult, but it's also very important.

Be safe and give yourself a little credit this week!

–Abbie