And Then It’s Over

At some point or another, we’ve all experienced toxic positivity. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately, and I want to run something by you.

When I was in the hospital, I refused to eat. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to—I couldn’t eat. I would have very emotional reactions to food being put in front of me. I was convinced that eating anything would make me sick again. My brain was, as it has been several times, at war with the rest of me.

It didn’t matter how many times my nurses (who were all amazing) told me I needed to eat if I wanted to go home. It didn’t matter how many times my grandpa offered to get me a doughnut in place of whatever food I had gotten from the cafeteria. It didn’t matter who was saying it or what they were talking about—I wouldn’t touch the food.

Eventually, for a few other reasons, my doctors decided to send in a psychologist to talk with me. She sat down next to my bed, introduced herself, and asked me why I wasn’t eating. I explained that I didn’t want to get sick. She nodded in understanding, then said this:

“So you’re afraid to throw up?”

I nodded.

“What happens if you throw up?”, she asked.

Confused, I paused for a moment, then quietly offered, “…I throw up?”

“You throw up”, she nodded. “And it’s awful, and disgusting, and it feels terrible, but then what?”

“It’s over.”

“It’s over”, she agreed.

Lately, as I begin to work through the trauma of my diagnosis, I’ve been thinking a lot about this exchange. I’m sure you’ve heard someone say to either you or someone else that things could be worse. Smile! Think of how lucky you are that only ABC happened. You know, some people have to deal with XYZ.

These people mean well, and I get where they’re coming from, but ever since I’ve really started to understand where my mental health is at, these sayings tend to frustrate me. Yes, there are people that are going through worse than I am, but that doesn’t mean my struggles are invalid. I understand the impulse to not “feel sorry” for yourself, and I’m not saying you shouldn’t look on the bright side of things—I’m saying that there are better ways to get this message across.

So, where am I going with this? While it might not apply to all situations, I do think what my psychologist said to me is a more healthy way to look at things: Yes, the idea of this is scary, but one day it will be over. As someone who overthinks every scenario and dwells on exactly how bad something is going to be, this idea has been a comfort to me at times.

I hope this has given you some food for thought, and maybe helps you put some things into perspective.

As always, stay safe!

—Abbie