Routines & My Anxiety

I have always been a routine-oriented person. For as long as I can remember, I've functioned at my best when I knew what was going to happen, where, and when.

When I was growing up, I panicked at the slightest change in plans. If my family was planning on doing something for the day, but at the very last second it changed or there was some miscommunication, I panicked.

Miscommunication is another one of my biggest triggers, but we can talk about that in another post.

Even now, at almost twenty-two years old, I thrive on these routines. Of course, they have changed quite a bit over the years and are not nearly as strict as they used to be (thankfully). But when I find a routine that I like, I stick with it.

I was in first grade when my older brother was diagnosed with diabetes. I don’t remember much about this time, to be honest, most of it is snapshots. My brother spent a few nights in the hospital and my mom stayed with him. Since my dad often worked early mornings, I spent a few nights with my grandparents. It turned out that this was a nightmare for my routine-based brain. I was so thrown off by everything going on—including my brother being diagnosed with something I didn’t understand and both him and my mom being gone—that I had a meltdown when I got to school. It was all too different, I couldn’t do it.

My grandparents tried to calm me down by promising to come and pick me up for lunch, but that didn’t work. Eventually I wore them down and they didn’t make me go to school that day. Score!

Speaking of diabetes, my own diagnosis reignited my obsession with routines. To this day, I do my injections in specific places at specific times—lunch and dinner time insulin is injected into my stomach, for example. I always turn down offers from my doctors to try out an insulin pump or continuous glucose monitor. I have my way of doing things and it works, I tell them.

Now, like I said before, my routines have loosened considerably even since my diagnosis when I was sixteen. Part of this is thanks to years of therapy and anxiety medication that calms my brain down whenever my plans don’t work out. It’s been a real learning curve to remind myself that I can’t plan everything out. Heck, I can’t even plan most things out.

I’m afraid I don’t have any advice for this problem, other than that it takes time and patience and (if you can find one) fantastic therapists.

Hang in there, my fellow anxious folks.

—Abbie