Driving On A Sunny Day
There's nothing like driving on a sunny day. Music blasting, basking in the light.
I had nearly forgotten what it felt like, to truly enjoy even the most mundane errands, the sunlight raising my mood after months of season-driven sadness.
I’ve written a lot on here about my driving anxiety. It started around the time of the COVID-19 lockdowns, and my therapist and I still aren’t sure what triggered it. The best idea we have is that I had so much anxiety built up that it had to manifest somewhere, and that just happened to be anytime I got into a car—both as the driver and the passenger.
For months I spent every car ride focusing on my breathing, not willing to even speak to anyone else in the vehicle. My brain was racing, my body full of pent-up energy that couldn’t go anywhere. I was worried for a long time that this would cause me to do something impulsive and dangerous. There were several instances where I would be sitting at a stop light and an intrusive thought would pop into my head: I have to get out of this car. How can I get out of this car?
If you have ever dealt with intrusive thoughts, you know how scary they can be, and how they can make you feel like you’re losing control of yourself. Sure, I know that I am in control of my choices and that I would never do something dangerous like that, but when your brain is constantly in fight or flight mode and wants to choose flight ninety percent of the time, you start to feel like you don’t have the strength to fight it. It’s especially difficult when you know that, in the end, you will be okay, but you have to get where you’re going first.
The thing about mental illness is that it doesn’t listen to logic. Yes, I know that I’m a safe driver, and I know how to get wherever I’m going, but my brain doesn’t seem to care about these facts, and often tries to convince me that they aren’t true.
I wish I could give you a quick and easy Five Tips to Cure your Anxiety In A Week! list, but I’m sure you know by now that it just doesn’t work like that. It’s taken years of therapy and trial and error with medication to find a balance. And even now, it’s not totally gone. I still feel myself tense up when I get to certain intersections, certain stop lights that I had timed out to know when they turn green, or constantly looking for a way to get around the light entirely, or maybe just to sit in a parking lot for a minute and calm down.
I will never fully get over this anxiety. This is a hard pill to swallow, but in my opinion it’s better than trying to deny the truth that’s right in front of me. However, I also can’t deny how much progress I’ve made, and I’m forever grateful for my therapist and my support system. I wouldn’t be anywhere close to where I’m at now without all of them.
If you’re going through something similar, know that I’m rooting for you. It feels impossible, but it isn’t, it just takes time. That always seems to be the caveat, doesn’t it?
Give yourself some credit for your progress this week.
—Abbie
